i am consumed by jealousy.
A girls silent battle with religion.
I do not like to refer to myself as an atheist because there is some sort of heaviness that comes with the word—like a grand rejection of who I have been till this moment, growing up Catholic and thinking they were angels at my side when I go to bed.
I would admit, however that I have withdrawn from faith entirely, firstly because I have come to navigate the pleasures of life I wouldn't have within the confines of my religion and secondly, open to the horrors of religious beliefs against people of my race, the society at large, and women, it seems as if practicing it is all for a lost cause.
Then why does my heart ache so? Why do I stare at the screen with some sort of verge emptiness when my friends are celebrating the Lord our Savior? Why do I constantly crave the feeling of wanting to understand how they can be so carefree and not dare to ask questions? I don't understand it. I want to understand it.
But when I try my hand pauses. I am constructing many arguments in my head to why I should not be a believer. Maybe if I picked up the scriptures I would get it, but I lack the dedication.
First and foremost, why do I even want to understand? What about it makes my heart so aggrieved? Is it guilt? Or the feeling of wanting to put my burdens on a Supreme being because they’re too much to bear or maybe the satisfaction that comes with knowing something somewhere in the universe might have the answers to all my plights.
Despite this infinite questions, I am jealous. I am jealous with the way they dance in abandon. The way they lift their hands to the sky like a child wanting to be carried by their father. My gaze hardens when they snap their eyes shut to whisper their wants unsure that it will be answered. I’m jealous with the way they place all their hopes on something that might not even exist, something that could just be a fabricated lie. Yet they trust in it, neglect coincidences, and place all they have on it. How is that even possible?
I talk like I was never once like this but those times I had never done it out of the respect for God but rather the fear of death, and what might lay after it. I did not want to burn for eternity, so the best bet was to live in such a way that I would enjoyed a good afterlife. However the concept of that sounds incredibly placid to me now.
Moreover, they’re a lot of reasons why I should not be religious, coming from someone who is Black, African, queer and a woman. It was used to justify enslaving my ancestors, I am told to be put to death for whom I decide to love and men use it as a weapon to facilitate my oppression. I’d drawn out that being these three things made it impossible for me to submerge myself into the faith, for it would be wielded by those who follow it to consider me an outcast.
I also do not like religious people—or rather the hypocrisy of them. The way they pick and choose what sin to judge, or do not act with a heart full of love like the Bible preaches. Even worse, the people that have come to treat me with so much scorn in my life, are those who carry religion on their heads.
But I’ve also come to recognise that despite what they believe in they’re still humans and will therefore put their human nature first before anything.
If such is the case then what is the point? How do you treat someone bad, find justifications for it because a book said so, and then expect a seat with Christ when you die?
All these are the conclusions I draw as my heart swells when the choir begins to reach a crescendo. Or the twitch at the corner of my lips as I watch my mom dance, or the silent pleas of my heart whenever were instructed to close our eyes and pray.
But even at that I do not feel that I can be fully devoted. All I can do is to yearn, and once I die, I hope I do not regret my answer.
bro i’ve also felt the same way recently. the heaviness of questioning through my deconstruction but the longing i have for God. i found my way back, but it took a lot. i’m a STEM major, who is interested in readings from humanities topics. i’ve read a lot about what people say and i’ve seen people transform God into their own image before my own two eyeballs.
however, i learned that remaking God in one’s image is equally is illogical as running from what you’ve seen and felt if that makes sense. deconstruction can sometimes be one sided, we spend so much time trying to justify the reasons why our faith makes no sense that we ignore the reasons it does. we believe in wi-fi unprovoked because it works, though we can’t see it. and when it doesn’t, we just say it’s down. this might not apply to you, but it’s just a reminder to keep an open mind, in the spirit of inquiry. all i have is what i’ve seen, heard and felt, but i’m too human to know all.
i can’t cancel out your identities while talking about this because i haven’t cancelled out mine either. i’ve seen science and religion unite to justify slavery and colonialism, and i’m actively trying to decolonize my mind. i’ve read enough about the faith and colonialism, manuscripts, papers and all, to realize that it’s very much antithetical to it. and that made me angrier, because people will take anything and make it anything as long as they have the power to. the white man’s religions (a lot of roman gods to be honest) died to christianity, so they remade christianity in their image. something based on values like justice and love, suddenly became about self/enrichment. it’s so human it makes me annoyed.
i’m a woman and the church has apologized for removing mary magdelene from prominence within scriptures. but then i look at the God who says status, tribe and gender don’t matter where He is concerned, and when i check the context of scriptures that seem to deny that, it fits. whoever made me gave me a stellar brain, surely He’s not the one saying i should use it.
i’m not queer so i’m not sure if i can adequately dislodge that dissonance, however i will say that God said He loves you, in a way that isn’t dependent on your character or mood. He just tends to be like that. He also said the wages of sin is death but the FREE gift of Christ is eternal life. i have trouble believing that second part because it’s easier to disqualify myself than to risk hope then earn disqualification.
they say our hearts are evolutionary wired to search for God, and christianity posits that our hearts are made to search for God. we make God when we don’t know Him—sometimes through our selves, our careers or our accomplishments. i hope you find what it is you search for in a way that eases the burden in your heart, truly.
Wow, this is beautifully written, and I want you to know — you’re not alone in this. What you’re feeling makes complete sense.
I know what I wrote is long, but your words really touched something in me, so I just wanted to respond from the heart. I just want sit with you in what you’re feeling, with love.
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I hear you on doing Christianity out of obligation at first. That’s the honest truth for most of us who grew up in the faith.
As someone just rediscovering my own faith, I used to relate to God mostly through fear— fear of doing something wrong or missing out on heaven.
We are seen as justified and beloved because God love us — not because we meet some “perfect standard.”
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And I need to acknowledge what you named—being Black, African, queer, and a woman, and how Christianity has been twisted to justify enslaving your ancestors, to condemn who you love, to oppress women. That rage is right, and Jesus himself was angry at religious leaders who weaponized God's name to burden and exclude people.
People have weaponized scripture to justify things that was never taught. When I began reading the Bible myself- looking with an open heart at context , original languages, and what was happening culturally — I started to see how much had been twisted from what was actually taught, I found love not condemnation.
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About hypocrisy in religious people — I understand that so well. I’ve felt it too.
I’ve learned that people, even those who truly want to follow God, can act out of their own wounds or insecurities. We are all human-we project, and sometimes we hurt others out of our own unhealed places, that doesn’t make it right, it’s not something to excuse, and it hurts. I don’t really have the perfect answer for it, except to say I’ve found comfort knowing that God Himself isn’t like that even when people fail to represent it.
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You asked, “Why does my heart ache so? What about it makes my heart so aggrieved?”
That longing isn’t guilt or weakness or nostalgia — it’s your soul recognizing you want something more.
You can reject the religion that harmed your ancestors. You can be angry at hypocrisy. You can question everything — and still, your heart yearns or even searches for something higher.
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That jealousy you feel when you watch others worship? It’s not about wanting their simplicity or lack of questions. It’s about longing for the trust, the closeness, the peace of being carried by something bigger than yourself. So keep searching.
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About your ancestors — I want to say this part carefully. I never want to make light of what our ancestors went through or tell you not to honor or love them.
We are who we are because of their pain, their prayers, and their strength. Their story runs through us.
But sometimes, I wonder what it would feel like to look at it from another angle — imagine you being the ancestor now, watching your descendants ahead of you.
Would you want them to keep carrying your pain, your burdens, your sorrow?
Or would you want them to be free — healed, whole, and able to live fully beyond what you had to endure?
I think that same love — that desire for those who come after us to be free and what your ancestors would want for you as well to be free of all burdens or guilt — and I think it also reflects something of God’s heart.
His love doesn’t demand perfection; it offers freedom. It’s unconditional, patient, and deeply understanding — like love passed down through generations. That’s the kind of love I believe God has for us and like your love for your ancestors.
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I actually came back to loving God because I asked myself, “Why not?”
Why not put my trust in a God who loves me?
Even if God ends up not being “real” why not? What do I have to lose?
It lightened my burdens in a way nothing else did.
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If you ever want to, maybe just talk to God directly — bypassing all the noise and expectations.
Not trying to fix or prove anything, not waiting until everything makes sense — just honestly.
You can say how angry you feel.
That you have questions.
About the harm done by ”followers”.
Even about you’re not sure all of it is real.
See what happens.
God isn’t afraid of questions. Jesus also welcomed doubts. Look at Thomas — one of His own apostles — who didn’t believe but he responded with love (John 20:25‑27).
And Jesus had deep, honest conversations with people society excluded— the Samaritan woman at the well, the Roman centurion, the Canaanite woman, the tax collectors, the “sinners.” He kept showing us that God’s love isn’t trapped within the boxes religious people build.
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And if you ever want to explore Scripture again — not through the lens of those who twisted it, but for yourself — I’d be glad to share some resources that helped me see God’s true heart toward people like us.
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Your longing isn’t a weakness.
It’s your heart telling you the truth — that you were made for more than fear, pain, or performance. I think you were made for Love.
You don’t have to decide everything today. Just don’t close the door completely. Stay curious about why your heart aches and I think eventually you’ll find an answer.
Sending you a big virtual hug. 🤍
You are not alone, and thank you for sharing such a beautiful, vulnerable piece with the world.
I truly wish you peace and light in all you do.
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I also want you to know —I love women too. I'm also learning about my faith and my identity. So when I share this, it's not from someone who has it all figured out or to judge or condemn or “teach” you. I just want you to know I see you.
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